Uncertainty can elicit a deep sense of fear and ill ease. Fear, like all emotions, has its place. We need to recognize this feeling and take time to tend to it. When fear becomes the major driver, however, it can take us to a dark place. Fight or flight is vital when we need to take rapid and immediate action for safety or for survival. When we don’t, fear can be paralyzing, leaving us feeling powerless, hopeless, and stuck. Fear breeds hostility, rigidity, and takes us to a place of reactivity as opposed to one of thoughtful and mindful activity. When we’re in fear, we move out of compassion for ourselves and for others.
To stay grounded and focused, we need to assess. What’s being triggered? Is it my safety and security? My sense of well-being? In this moment, am I facing a real threat? Or is my fear related to something that hasn’t even occurred, and may or may not occur in the future? This discernment is critical so that you can mobilize resources to cope with whatever it is that’s right in front of you, and build reserve to face future challenges as they unfold.
Check in with yourself right now. How resourceful are you when you’re in a place of fear? When you look back on decisions you’ve made based on fear, do you believe that you’ve made the best decision? Have you seen others make wise decisions? Now ask yourself the following question: when you’re at your best, are you letting fear steer your course or are you able to notice your fear, center yourself, and move forward from a constructive place? What would be different if your focus shifted from fear to calm and equanimity?
Once you’ve righted yourself, you can decide what action is the right next step. In the face of fear, small actions are best. You can set a daily intention to tune in to yourself and notice when fear is nipping at your heels.
Gandhi said “The enemy is fear. We think it is hate; but, it is fear.” His words ring true in the current political environment. Managing one’s fear could never be more important. Like anything, this requires practice. It’s well worth it, though, so that we can live with a sense of peace and contentment. So we can make decisions that we don’t later regret. So we can mobilize resources to be our best with all people we meet.
Please leave your comments and suggestions below so others can learn from your experience.
How much time do you spend on mental comparisons? Looking on Facebook and thinking everyone else has better relationships and is much happier than you? Thinking that everyone in your peer group is smarter than you? Or fretting about how much fitter, thinner, smarter, or more successful you were at a different point in your life? Much of our stress, frustration, disappointment, guilt, and regret is the result of comparing ourselves to preconceived ideas about how we should be acting, how we should be looking, and how our personal successes are perceived by others. Theodore Roosevelt once said that comparison is the thief of joy. Indeed, comparisons often keep us in a mental hamster wheel of self-doubt and lack of confidence. To combat physician burnout, it is critical to decrease the tendency toward comparisons.
But comparison allows me to improve my performance
You may believe that comparisons keep you on your toes. Let’s test this out. Think about any times you’ve compared yourself to someone else in the past week. Did the comparison help you feel good about yourself and your circumstances or did it send you into a spiral of self-critical thoughts? Did you feel energized and optimistic about your circumstances or did you feel defeated, inadequate, and that your life would be forever deficient?
Like advertisements, comparisons hold us in the belief that if we only had product or service X, we’d be happier, feel and look younger, and be the king or queen of our world. While it’s always good to work toward life improvement, comparisons typically leave you unable to focus on the satisfaction inherent in your current circumstances. Comparisons push your focus onto either the past or the future, or simply what’s wrong with the present. Comparisons keep you from being content and perhaps more able to accept what is. Right now.
How to stop comparing yourself to others
As a physician coach, here are four steps I teach to overcome the pull to comparisons:
- Start tuning in to your own thought processes. Simply begin noticing when you are going into comparison-oriented thinking. Try not to judge yourself. Jot these instances down so you can begin to see how often this occurs.
- Once you’ve noticed that you’re making a comparison, name it to yourself. Say to yourself “there I go comparing myself again.” Doing this begins to create a distance between the comparison you’re focusing on and the reality of the situation. Having that distance and separation is vital in having choice and control over your own thoughts.
- Now ask yourself: What is the cost of this thought process? What would I gain if I spent less time on these mental comparisons? Journal about these questions.
Now for the challenge. When you find yourself making a comparison and coming up short, push yourself to think of at least three ways you, your circumstances, your thoughts, and your actions are right and adequate just as they are. Your mind will call you back to the land of comparison and self-criticism. Your job in this step is to exert equal and opposite force in the other direction! Definitely take notes here.
These steps take a lot of practice. What you will gain, though, is the ability to see your own strengths and accomplishments. You’ll find yourself experiencing more calm and a stronger sense of your own self-worth. Harkening the words of Theodore Roosevelt, you may even find yourself experiencing more joy.